I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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