meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
