he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
