OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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