If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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