Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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