I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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