theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
