Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
