I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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