yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
