and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude i'm inner monologue high
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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