I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
