I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
