I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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