planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
