is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
