i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
