I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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