Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
