Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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