sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
