you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i wish my penis had a tongue
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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