Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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