Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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