guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
