either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
