i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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