i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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