some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
