you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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