What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
