Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm passing your future prison.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Floor bacon is actually really good
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
