there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
