tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
