Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
