he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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