I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
