Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
