For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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