I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
