I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
try to milk me bitch
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