i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
