i can't believe i had my finger in that
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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