I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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