This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
