Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it was like eating out sand paper
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
