my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
