I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
