a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
