If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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