I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
